In Need of Therapy

Why Romney will be the Republican nominee

2008-01-24T21:12:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in nearly a year, and it seems really stupid to re-enter the blogging fray this way. But all of the pundits are completely wrong about Mitt Romney. There is no horse race. Mitt Romney will definitely win the Republican nomination, and here is why:

Despite the 24-hour coffin coverage at President Reagan's funeral, Mitt Romney somehow managed to steal Ronald Reagan's hair.

The few remaining Republican voters, now accustomed to accepting outright lies from members of their party, will not care what Romney believes, since he doesn't either. Romney already has the only asset he needs to win... the Glorious Gipper's mesmerizing toupee.

Maize Goddess

2007-02-11T05:00:00.000-05:00

Funky Goddess

2007-02-11T04:57:00.000-05:00

Bizarre Cleveland Skyline

2007-02-11T04:51:00.000-05:00

Wrote this a While Ago

2007-02-03T02:48:00.000-05:00

November 17, 2006

Dear Mr. Krauthammer:

I am writing to you because I feel your views are influential in conservative circles. I am concerned that your recent commentary, “Why Iraq is Crumbling” is far too eager to place the blame for the failure of our Iraq policies on the Iraqis themselves.

With the exception of Ahmed Chalabi, and other exiles the Bush administration paid for the intelligence it wanted to hear, there was little homegrown resistance to the brutal tyranny of Saddam Hussein. We had our opportunity to assist a homegrown revolution in Iraq during the first Gulf War, and we sat back and watched Saddam Hussein destroy it; using weapons we sold him.

Many argue that invading Iraq in the first place was a mistake, and I am inclined to agree. During our own Revolutionary War, France did not invade us to free us from the British, and they did not occupy us afterward. However, we are obligated to clean up the mess that we have created in Iraq. An essential part of that cleanup is acknowledging our own stupidity, and learning from it.

First, it was stupid to invade Iraq over the objections of the United Nations. This robbed us of almost all international legitimacy from the outset. If we wanted to stage a “revolution” to depose Saddam, we should have taken a page from Teddy Roosevelt’s book and extended diplomatic recognition to an independent Kurdistan. We could have easily given security assurances to Turkey, and bought lots of oil cheaply from the Kurds. They also would have encouraged us to establish military bases there, thus giving us our democratic toehold in the Middle East and a way out of Saudi Arabia. We would have been able to take the moral high ground by giving the world’s largest homeless minority its own country, and possibly provoke Saddam into attacking us at the same time. Or, we could have gotten real intelligence on what WMDs were and weren’t in Iraq.

Instead, we marched in and conquered Iraq. The Iraqi army surrendered faster than any country in history, even France. In other words, they largely didn’t fight us, reasonably expecting to be given the reins of authority once Saddam and his cronies were toast. Instead, we disbanded them, BUT LET THEM KEEP THEIR GUNS. That is so monumentally stupid that it merits the bolded capital letters I have assigned it.

Then there were all the other massive blunders, like the looting, “bring it on,” Abu Ghraib (which you conveniently neglected to mention), our Whack-a-Mole approach to fighting insurgents, and so forth. Additionally, having men with guns come to your home and tell you to dip your fingers in some purple ink does not a republic make.

Your entire attitude that the Iraqis are incapable of self-government smacks of colonial arrogance. This is the same arrogance Britain exhibited when it first forged these battling tribes into one country. On that note, how is Czechoslovakia doing these days?

I think Senator Biden might be on the right track with his 3 state solution, provided that the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds can agree to share the oil wealth and treat each other with respect. I hope it is still possible for them to create some kind of loose Iraqi confederation that gives each party enough of what it wants.

But the current truth is that we have not really given the Iraqi people security, an actual functioning republic, or even the illusion of security, and it is fundamentally dishonest to say otherwise. We have merely turned it into a devil’s playground so that terrorists can fight us “over there.” After nearly four years, we still haven’t rebuilt the schools or restored electricity, but we have spent billions of dollars and destroyed countless lives. I am grossly offended that you now choose to blame our failures on the Iraqi people rather than the idiocy of our policymakers, whom you still support. Our troops deserve better than this, and the Iraqi people deserve better than this. While you certainly have the right to change your mind and suddenly endorse “cutting and running,” I believe you must first apologize for endorsing this misadventure in the first place.

Sincerely,
Kevin E. Cleary

In Decision

2006-07-10T18:31:00.000-04:00

Your Source for Gorilla Marketing

2006-07-05T22:37:00.000-04:00

Fake Cave Painting

2006-06-09T03:44:00.000-04:00

This cave painting was recently found by an archaeological team in Central America. The team is still digging, but have yet to disclose their location while they await independent verification of their carbon dating analyses. They say their first set of results dates the painting and other undisclosed artifacts to approximately 28,000 years ago.
The series of lines on the left-hand side, resembling a bar code, appears to the team to have been inscribed in the rock with a laser, and represents a heretofore unknown written language system.

Infinity

2006-06-08T01:58:00.000-04:00

2006-06-08T01:52:00.000-04:00

Where Eagles Loiter

2006-06-08T01:44:00.000-04:00

Alien With Pearl Earring Pt. 2

2006-06-08T01:41:00.000-04:00

City Scape

2006-06-08T01:35:00.000-04:00

Happy Belated Birthday, Grandpa Frank!

2006-05-28T23:23:00.000-04:00

Solving the Nuclear Crisis in Iran

2006-04-13T22:15:00.000-04:00

An Open Letter to President Bush

President George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President:

I am compelled to write by the gravity of the circumstances facing our nation and the world. It is imperative that Iran not be allowed to possess nuclear weapons, but a military strike of any kind from the West, particularly the United States or Israel, will merely open another Pandora’s Box. I am writing to propose an unconventional solution to this problem.

The nation of Pakistan is considered to be one of our primary allies in the broader war on terror. A scientist from Pakistan, A.Q. Khan, is also apparently responsible for aiding Iran’s progress in its nuclear ambitions. While the nation of Iran claims that their uranium enrichment programs are intended strictly for civilian use, this argument seems highly dubious at best. It is my sincere hope that diplomacy works this time; but if it does not, I propose we let Pakistan clean up its mess.

Military intervention launched by the United States against Iran will merely inflame more sectarian violence and spawn more hatred against us. It will make the current debacle in Iraq look like a trip to Disneyland by comparison. The initial invasion might be a leisurely stroll to Tehran, but the American people cannot sustain nor stomach another bloody occupation. There is also the issue of our blown credibility because of Iraq. Allowing Israel to strike Iran could potentially be even more catastrophic.

However, if Pakistan were to intervene in Iran, it would have a shaming effect upon Iran, as well as neutralize the current threat they pose. Having the intervention come from another Islamic country would do far more to humiliate Iran’s current regime, and it would also reduce the perception that the West is engaged in a war against Islam. For lack of a better analogy, I would compare it to Tony Soprano “whacking” his own cousin rather than letting an outsider discipline him.

It is obviously not in Pakistan’s interest to have yet another nuclear country at their border, especially an unstable regime like Iran. Additionally, in this scenario, a strike from Pakistan would show the West that they are responsible stewards of nuclear capabilities, and could be rewarded with economic incentives, and likely an agreement like the one we forged with India.

Forging a similar agreement with Pakistan under these conditions would restore the delicate balance of power between India and Pakistan, thus also reducing the potential for an Asian arms race. We should obviously continue all diplomatic efforts until they are exhausted, but we should let Pakistan nominally take the lead in such negotiations. China, Russia, and Europe can be allowed to keep their corrupt gravy trains reaching the proper stations, as long as they form the bulk of the democratization task force that would naturally follow any kind of military intervention in Iran.

Mr. President, in an ideal world, we would not have blown our credibility and international political capital on our ventures in Iraq, and now might have stood a chance to convince the world of the threat posed by Iran. But our seeming failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq will make the burden of proof for us concerning Iran a nearly insurmountable barrier, no matter how many successful elections the Iraqis may hold. Therefore, UN sanctions will be half-hearted at best, and the rest of the West has little incentive to grant us international legitimacy in the worst-case scenario of U.S. military intervention.

If Iran is the threat it seems to be, and your administration claims it is, then the other nations of the world must act to stop them. If the UN Security Council fails to reach such a consensus, and Iran will not desist, then I believe Pakistan, not us, should be the country to lay down the law.

I suggest these things after much careful consideration and deliberation. It is my sincere hope that diplomacy will work with Iran and that the game of brinkmanship we played with Iraq can this time be avoided. In fact, I constantly pray that the situation does not deteriorate to the point where military action is necessary.

But the statements your administration have made regarding Iran seem to mirror those during the build-up to the invasion of Iraq and indicate that another war is likely imminent. Therefore, before it is too late, I felt I should offer this alternative.

Mr. President, I cannot fully describe the moral conflicts with which I have wrestled before deciding to send this letter. While I realize that this letter will probably never actually reach your desk, I still have moral reservations about offering my meager strategic counsel to an administration that endorses almost everything I oppose. This is particularly so because I fear that my suggestions may be misinterpreted as encouraging further bellicosity by your administration, even if from just one constituent. But, politics aside, I am still an American citizen, and felt it was my moral duty to offer this advice. It is my fervent hope that our country employs minds far greater than mine, and that an even better solution will be found to the problems Iran poses.

In closing Mr. President, despite my differences with your administration, I know at heart that this issue weighs heavily upon your soul. I hope at the very least that my proposal will encourage fresh thinking in these matters and that another disastrous course of action can be averted. In the mean time, I will continue to pray desperately for peace. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Kevin E. Cleary

330 KB That Will Change History

2006-03-26T05:13:00.000-05:00

Kevin E. Cleary

Under our noses, something totally revolutionary is about to happen. Users of the Firefox internet browser will soon never have to worry about paying for Microsoft Word. A program called ajaxWrite (ajaxwrite.com, must have Firefox 1.5 or better) is about to clear some serious space on our hard drives. They are also, unwittingly or not, about to make some older computers usable again, which means cheaper computers can jump on the Information Superhighway.

According to their Frequently Asked Questions Page, “AJAX is an acronym for Asynchronous Java Script and XML” Translated, that means it’s a computer programming technique that essentially allows them to broadcast an interactive program onto your computer, in this case a beta-test version of Microsoft Word. Think of it as being like Willy Wonka’s machine that sends the candy bar through your TV.

The program is a web-based application that mimics the look-and-feel of Microsoft Word but can import and export several other formats, like WordPerfect, Microsoft Works, and others. The application is only 330KB, which makes it smaller than picture files on many computers. By contrast, OpenOffice.org’s (Note: I have not downloaded OpenOffice.org and can’t comment yet on the comparison of features between them. From what I understand, OpenOffice is a full suite of programs rather than just one application) download is about 108 MB, which will take quite a while to download if you’re on dial-up.

You can save the files you write to your computer, although the program could use a “Save your changes before closing?” reminder. It was able to open most of the Word Perfect files I threw at it, and it didn’t even try to reformat my resume’, which had strange fonts and a proprietary template in it...something that has freaked Microsoft Word out in the past many times. It doesn’t seem able to open Adobe PDF files, but neither can Word. It also doesn’t seem able to handle WordPerfect documents with pictures in them, but I’m sure compatibility issues will be worked out in the near future. With its currently limited font selection and still-in-development spell check, ajaxWrite isn’t ready for prime time yet, but it’s going to be huge when it hits.

The possibilities of this astound me. Right now, the potential of this excites me more than the actual product; but the concept and execution of it are revolutionary in and of themselves... and it’s still a beta that works properly! If we could pair this with a domestic $100 laptop, every American could become computer literate within a few years, almost regardless of economic standing. Older computers that have been donated to charity can be resurrected and given internet connections for people with low-incomes. Processing-intensive applications like special effects rendering can be paired with this and distributed computing to make number-crunching a breeze.

But the real winners from this concept will be computer users, especially computer users on a tight or non-existent budget. By sticking it to the Man, and ditching Internet Explorer, users can (insert sarcastic finger quotes) enjoy using Microsoft Word for free. This would enable someone to more practically work on a resume’ (or a novel, essay, freelance piece, etc.) at a library or free computer lab if also armed with a floppy disk, or even a free email account. I certainly could have used this when I didn’t own a working printer.

Yuppies could shed some extra pounds and carry around a small USB drive. Firefox needs to add an extension to their browser that lets people open this application within the browser without having to go to the ajaxWrite website first, like how they have incorporated an optional Google search bar. Being able to quickly write a document within another browser tab will make it that much easier and faster for users to ditch Internet Explorer. And ajaxWrite should get its program ready for the spotlight, because they’re about to take center-stage in a revolution.

A Rambling Diatribe by Kevin E. Cleary

2006-03-26T01:22:00.000-05:00

In my mind, military interventions are analogous to a sort of booby-trap. Some we have set up, and others we have stepped into. Like that trap in Raiders of the Lost Ark, we've taken the statue off the pedestal in Iraq, but now we've got to keep that same weight on the pedestal or a giant boulder will crash on us and the Iraqi people. For instance, our troop presence in South Korea acts as a similar pedestal-trap against North Korea. They know that if they knock us off the pedestal there, a giant boulder will roll over North Korea. Through the years, we've placed a number of weights in a number of different booby traps, and in many cases we calculated properly, in others we got rolled by boulders.

In my mind, we miscalculated in Iraq, and now refuse to recalculate. We stormed into Bagdad with a fighting army, but not an overwhelming force. Therefore, we had no one to keep order once we disbanded the Iraqi army, and let them keep their weapons. If we intended to stay in Iraq, why didn't we plan for the post-war? If we didn't plan to stay, why did we disband the army who largely didn't fight us? Right now, I'm not even arguing about the morality of the war, or whether or not it was right to invade. I'm merely questioning the way we have conducted this war from the outset, and the way this administration has run things since then. We sent an underwhelming force into Bagdad using the Clinton-air strike methodology (Shock and Awe! Three weeks to Bagdad... Yay! We made it to Bagdad! ...oh shit we're stuck in Bagdad! Whadda we gonna do now?!), but with boots on the ground as well. Unfortunately, we didn't provide our troops with proper supplies like body armor, and we told our allies to screw themselves before we went into the conflict. We also fired competent translators and managers/planners, etc. because of stupid policies like "don't ask, don't tell," which Clinton, as Commander in Chief, should have had the balls to end, but he didn't.

I understand that there were mitigating circumstances that would have held up the war if we waited for the UN inspectors, such as the Oil for Food bribery scandal, etc. But at the very least, we should have had the patience to sort it out before we went and invaded. I think one of the reasons the insurgency was initially emboldened was that they felt we were vulnerable and were trying to restructure their country without help. Pre-emptive or not, I think we all know that we would have had enough time (remember "gathering threat?") to plan this thing a whole hell of a lot better than we did. He also sold Congress (mostly the Democrats) on voting for the resolution as a gunboat diplomacy tactic, and then attacked them with their votes during the campaign because they were stupid enough to believe him, and/or stupid enough to think that they could believably use that as an excuse after the fact.

Now, we're there to stay. Probably for a generation or more, and we don't really have a choice now that we broke it and bought it. I understand that we can't just pull out now, but the administration still hasn't been honest about its missteps. It's my hope that if the Dems get it together, we might see some real accountability, and some real corrective steps. If not, we'll continue to compound the problem, regardless of who we put in the Oval and the Capitol.

If I were George Bush, (which thankfully I'm not, though the money would be nice... :-) I'd throw the ball in the Democrat's court. I'd say, look, I've got two years left, we're staying, so get your hands dirty and help out. The first thing I'd do is appoint Hillary Clinton to run Iraq. Then, when she quit after six months, after giving up on the mid-term, or being unable to run because of her position, I'd replace her with McCain or someone actually competent from the Dems. That would effectively neutralize any chance she'd have of ever winning the Presidency, and it would make the Democrats also share accountability for events on the ground, which would hopefully improve somewhat. Then, to show I mean business and that I'm really sincere that I want this to work, I'd fire Rumsfeld and humbly ask Colin Powell to come back as SecDef.

Condi stays where she's at, and just for fun, we pull Bolton from the UN and put him in as Press Secretary, thus earning the Daily Show's eternal gratitude. As a bonus, we put Kucinich in Bolton's job as UN ambassador. Chertoff and Brownie each get shot in the face with birdshot on televison by Dick Cheney as a sign of goodwill toward poor people, and Karl Rove gets the bump to official Chief of Staff to satisfy the base. For consistency's sake, Andy Card (current Chief of Staff) gets a Medal of Freedom or some other BS medal like Bush gave Tenet.

If Bush wants to silence his critics, he needs to bring them to the table. Feingold should get appointed to the Supreme Court to replace Stevens, and Bush should take the heat from his base for not completely re-shifting the Court, but not until after the mid-term elections. Cheney should bite the bullet and do regular appearances on the Daily Show from now until the end of the term. If he's not running, he's got nothing to lose. He actually seems to have a decent sense of humor, so it would be a way to improve Republican numbers in the 18-24 demographic that typically leans Dem.

I would also take steps to weaken the Democrats by tapping third party candidates for important posts in the last two years. This takes a chunk out of the progressive wing of the Dems, and will increase the viability of alternative parties overall, but not enough to be an immediate threat to the Republican party, if the Republicans get the trains moving again. I'd start with the Libertarians for certain posts, like perhaps head of Homeland Security. I'd put Greens in charge of environmental policy and possibly HUD.

Then, I’d throw some ideas out there and see what sticks: For instance, we also cut a deal with Mexico to absorb them by 2015 as autonomous state(s) in the Union if the Mexicans vote to join. That way, illegal immigration from Mexico is no longer a problem. To even out the change in the House of Representatives, we admit Puerto Rico and all the US territories, and split Texas into five states. This solves the Social Security crisis and the illegal immigration crisis in one fell swoop. No need to build a stupid wall. We increase the pool of legal workers, and the standard of living evens out across the board, and we’ve got a bunch of consumers eager to catch up with their Northern brothers and sisters. We also buy all of our ports back from China and other countries, and put Mexico in charge of the ports. We offer Canada a chance to join up, and we form a North American Union with the same currency.

In the mean time, we work on getting another statue to keep the booby trap in Iraq at bay. When the Iraqi army went home, we didn’t think about the power vacuum until it was almost too late. We’ve got to get to a point where everyday feels like election days to the Iraqis. Those are the days they seem to feel secure to leave their homes. I honestly don’t know if there’s a faster or better way to do that than we are now, but we should start studying why it seems to work better on election days. Is it that we have more “boots on the ground” on those days? Is it just that men with guns are telling the Iraqis to go dip their fingers in purple ink? Whatever it is, we need to figure it out and replicate the good parts. I think the best way to do that is through honest dialogue, not more bravado. Otherwise, that dangling boulder is going to tip over the precipice and crush us.

Totally unmodified

2006-03-25T22:33:00.000-05:00

I took this picture at 2100 Lakeside Ave., Cleveland's largest homeless men's shelter. I did nothing to enhance this picture or change the color; this picture was taken without a flash. Just thought it was odd that everything had a green tinge in the photos, but my eyes somehow color-corrected for this while I was there. -Kev

Digitally Wrapping Myself in the Flag

2006-03-21T22:03:00.000-05:00

Strawberry Way

2006-03-17T20:59:00.000-05:00

This one's called, "Suck It, Warhol"

2006-03-10T00:48:00.000-05:00

The Beach

2006-03-04T23:12:00.000-05:00

Strangeness

2006-03-04T19:36:00.000-05:00

From the Bizarre Imagination of Kevin E. Cleary

2006-03-04T04:37:00.000-05:00

The Luminens reside in the Owl Nebula, roughly 3,000 light years from Earth. The creatures have 8 tentacles, like the aquatic octopus on Earth and the similarly aquatic Maha’ Drawi of the Pherkad System. Their exact physical composition is unknown, though they seem to exhibit bilateral symmetry. It is believed that they are photosynthetic, and preliminary communication attempts have yet to confirm or deny sentience. The scientific exploration vehicle Asimov arrived within viewing distance sixteen hours ago and their latest tach-cast expressed the crew’s excitement at their historic discovery.

The Luminens are the largest creatures ever encountered by humans or wirri. Of the Luminens observed thus far, all have been roughly twice the size of the Capital Complex, Earth’s largest structure. Dr. Lehar I’diiqwa, the lead xenobiologist aboard the Asimov said that the creatures may be communicating with each other, or may be attempting to communicate with the Asimov itself.

“When we first observed the Luminens, they had formed a of series large, interwoven chains which resembled the roots of a tree or the dendrites in human and wirri brains. Pulses of light flashed like lightning and passed up and down the chains. The chains began to pulse as one for durations of exactly 1.618 seconds, and did so for approximately fifteen minutes. The Luminens then split apart and have not been seen to interact since then. We are very puzzled and are attempting to discern whether the duration is a natural phenomenon, meant to communicate with us, or with each other,” said I’diiqwa.

Human and wirri experts on Earth, Mars, and in the Ta’ozi system believe the Luminens may be attempting to communicate a knowledge of mathematics because 1.618 is a rounded form of the golden ratio, a mathematical constant present in human and wirri mathematics. The discovery of potentially sentient life hasn’t occurred since humans and wirri first made contact nearly two hundred years ago. Continue

Liberty Weathers a Storm

2006-03-04T04:27:00.000-05:00

Photoshop Foolery

2006-03-04T04:22:00.000-05:00

President's Day

2006-03-04T04:19:00.000-05:00

Jesus Enters the Cartoon Fray

2006-03-04T04:16:00.000-05:00

Hunting Penned Quail

2006-02-15T22:45:00.000-05:00

A Solution to NPR's Panhandling

2006-02-11T06:00:00.000-05:00

Originally published at http://homelessgrapevine.blogspot.com
I wrote it, so I didn't have any qualms about republishing my own work on my private blog.
-Kevin E. Cleary
6:03AM EST
Saturday, February 11, 2006 C.E.

Clearly, NPR’s fund raising strategies need to be improved. Apparently, public airwaves were one of the few places Cleveland’s horrible Aggressive Solicitation Law didn’t cover in its prohibitions. As the Operations Manager for a program of a small non-profit, I understand that raising money is hard. But I would like to offer my humble suggestions here to relieve other listeners and to assist NPR’s fund raising efforts.

Much like the technology already exists for the United States to become more energy-independent (ethanol or bio-diesel hybrids, you hear me Detroit?), there already exists a technological solution to NPR’s seemingly rapidly recurring financial doldrums: the V-chip. If you were to effectively implement this tool of censorship, NPR’s pledge drives could disappear, in more ways than one.

Along with the other fabulous gifts NPR provides to donors, like coffee mugs and Driveway Moments anthologies, you should offer a specially modified V-chip. The V-chip will have a timer on it which equates roughly to the amount of money someone has donated. The V-chip will then block donation solicitation programming on NPR for a specified amount of time. Listeners who pony up with some funding get to skip the pledge drives. Free-riders have to endure the guilt-a-thons.

For instance, at the $30.00 level, a loyal listener could be rewarded with a month’s worth of nag-free programming. At the $500.00 level, a loyal listener could be given the gift of a year without pledge drives and their choice of a year without Prairie Home Companion or Tales from Lake Wobegone. If you’d like to reach conservative pockets, you could offer a “Red”-chip for $1000.00 or so that blocks all criticism, constructive or otherwise, of the Bush administration and its policies.

I think this solution works to everyone’s benefit. NPR will gain significantly as more donations flood member stations, loyal listeners will get a pass on the pledge drives, and I will have the satisfaction of helping to keep NPR’s engaging and informative programming on the air. All I ask in return is another fantastic coffee mug and a free lifetime pledge drive pass; or failing that, some free air time to solicit money for The Homeless Grapevine.

An ironic t-shirt I think I could actually sell

2006-02-11T05:58:00.000-05:00

Da Napalm Guild

2006-02-11T05:52:00.000-05:00

Stardust in Action

2006-01-29T04:11:00.000-05:00

The White House Hannukah photo Bush, Cheney, and Abramoff don't want you to see

2006-01-28T07:56:00.000-05:00

Quantum Quilt

2006-01-28T07:24:00.000-05:00

Quantum Nomads

2006-01-28T07:00:00.000-05:00

Don't Tell Tehran

2006-01-26T02:26:00.000-05:00

Mythical Richard

2006-01-25T20:04:00.000-05:00

My friend Richard asked me to make a picture of his head on Michelangelo's David and try to match up the skin tone. I ended up cheating and using the color gradient instead. I'm still having trouble matching textures. I've read some instructional material on it, but none of it is much help, and a lot of it is made for later versions of Photoshop. Anyone out there know how to do this?

Nocturnal Guardian

2006-01-21T18:40:00.000-05:00

Focus on the Family: I Wish I Knew How to Quit You

2006-01-21T04:54:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the Powers That Shouldn't Be
Kevin E. Cleary
5:02 AM EST
Saturday, January 21, 2006 C.E.

Dear James Dobson, et al.:

Please sir, don’t make me go see Brokeback Mountain. Your organization and its ilk have gone mad with power and need to be stopped. It is your divisive comments and actions that may force me to burgeon the Box Office.

Sir, please quickly disband your army of ignorant followers and surrender for the good of the nation, possibly even the world. The Culture Wars have exacted their tolls on all of us, and many of us in the reasonable minority think it’s time for your megachurches to take a break. A long break. Longer than my irrational sentences and fragments expressing my irritation that I almost have to fork over my meager earnings (When exactly do the poor and the meek get to inherit the earth?) to Hollywood to help curtail your dangerous agendas.

Sir, many of us have been turning our cheeks for most of this decade and are growing tired of it. You got all three branches of government, Fox News, your President, NASCAR, and several fabulous parting gifts, like Hillary Clinton. You’ve had a good run. You’ve managed to kill the last vestiges of the Great Society, unions, widespread international goodwill toward America, higher wages, universal health coverage, the economy, our civil liberties, and more. Please go back to being entertaining instead of frightening. I promise we’ll make Traficant donate his toupee’ to the effort.

You even got The Passion, so why do we still have to endure your hateful sermons on Brokeback Mount?

First of all, boycotting almost any film is an exercise in futility. It merely adds to the mystique and appeal of the film. Besides, the family values charade has grown tired and repetitive. The shock and indignation you express at the film’s critical acclaim only serve to accelerate and embolden it. The fact that this only angers you further speaks to frightening levels of ignorance from people who claim to be responsible stewards of our country.

I have not yet seen the film in question. It probably deserves the praise it has received, but it is not a film I would normally pay to see. For that matter, I still haven’t seen The English Patient.

But this should be your last fool’s errand. Demanding that Hollywood not love a movie about closeted homosexual cowboys is like asking France to fight a war without capitulating. It is stupid and a waste of time to expect otherwise.

The more scorn you heap on this film, the more it reminds reasonable people that the reason the protagonists in the film are “in the closet” is because of organizations like yours and people like you. Indeed, reasonable people have noticed that you like to stuff all sorts of people and ideas into closets. We are told to “watch what we say” while you pass discriminatory laws and ride roughshod over all opposition.

Sir, you exhaust our tolerance by preaching intolerance and hatred. A yellow ribbon you bought at Wal-Mart or Target doesn’t absolve your efforts to dissolve our civil liberties any more than a bumper sticker makes you an actual Christian.

My entire life I have been made sick by the ways organizations like yours poison the well for people of true faith. Your attempts to make God in your trademarked, corporate, misguided and judgmental image may earn you a place in the hell you would create for the rest of us.

I beg you to please give us back the reins of authority before I am forced to draw a line in the sand. If you persist in trying to make manifest your hypocritical bloviations I will be obligated to spend money I can’t afford on tickets for this movie that I don’t really have any interest in seeing. In fact, I will be forced to purchase every version of this film in its various digital incarnations, up to and including the Director’s Cut. Do you have any idea how much the Director’s Cut of a movie costs?

Since, until this point, I have avoided endangering my immortal soul, I place this burden squarely in your hands. If you care at all about the good of the world, our beleaguered nation, my immortal soul and the souls of countless people who feel the way I do, you will act quickly to disband your forces.

There is still time to repent your licentious greed and acts of persecution. Start off by liquidating your assets and giving them away to actual poor and disenfranchised people. Remember, it is easier for a camel to pass through the Eye of the Needle than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Salvation may yet be attainable for you: send your check or money order to Kevin E. Cleary...

Star-Eyed Lover

2006-01-07T16:39:00.000-05:00

Original photo by Mary Mihevic. There is a picture of the Helix Nebula, popularly known as "The Eye of God" which, after some modifications, comprises her eyes. The hardest part of making this was recopying her glasses and placing them back over her new eyes. I thought it was worth the effort, but then again, I'm biased. -kev

Moses Cleveland Knows What's Up

2006-01-04T17:45:00.000-05:00

Greetings from Indonesia

2006-01-01T04:51:00.000-05:00

Another Year of Dissolved Resolutions

2005-12-31T23:41:00.000-05:00

I don't know why, but I'm actually pretty apathetic to the coming year. Perhaps it's the thought that we still have 3 years left of the Bush administration. Perhaps it's because I've realized that the new year really won't affect my daily grind. The sad thing is, I'm actually more excited for the extra second of 2006, than I am for the upcoming year. Maybe it's because I'm a huge geek, but I think it's really cool that we've advanced to the point where our own ability to measure time can be more accurate than that of the Earth's natural calendar (although I suppose that's a relative judgment). I almost always get depressed around the holidays, but New Year's is one of those days that seems to hit-or-miss for me. Rarely do I exhibit the exuberance of my youth for the occasion, but there are many years where I look forward to a "fresh start."

This year I haven't even bothered to make New Year's resolutions. My penchant for focusing on my grand imaginings of the future (this year, I'll quit smoking, this year, I'll lose twenty lbs, this year, I'll publish a novel) has typically held me back from actually accomplishing anything. If anything, I have learned over the past year that changes happen incrementally, and that it takes more than perennial decrees to make them happen. Enacting change involves a lot of mundane details and labor that rarely figures into my well-intended "resolutions." Therefore, this year, I will just keep doing what I have been doing. I will continue to smoke too much, eat poorly, etc. After all, 2005 was going to be the year that I lost a bunch of weight, and I never got around to doing a sit-up.

Instead, I will use this day to look backward and acknowledge that I have made quite a bit of progress by trying to keep myself in the present. I made it through my first semester back at school. I managed to survive for 13 months on less than minimum wage and will continue to do so this year (granted, the job is rewarding in most other respects). I have managed to stay in the good graces of my wonderful fiancee, and I have learned quite a bit along the way. Anyway, gotta go watch Dick Clark's balls drop and kiss my future wife. So, Happy New Year!

This is for my Mom who knows that there is a special place in Hell for Art Modell

2005-12-31T07:12:00.000-05:00

Holy War

2005-12-17T17:03:00.000-05:00

Kevin E. Cleary

The right-wing media apparently has very little to talk about as Bush’s legislative agenda crumbles with each indictment and revelation of wrongdoing. They could be discussing the bipolar economy which has resulted from the administration’s tax policies: corporate profits have reached all-time highs while real wages have consistently sunk. They could discuss the intellectual dishonesty of a Congress that has raised its own salary by an average of $3,000 almost every year yet thinks raising the minimum wage would be bad for low-wage earners and small businesses. The right-wing media could discuss the accuracy of the Iraqi casualty count Bush flippantly announced after years of stonewalling. They could talk about the deficits this administration have created which make Reaganomics seem like “the good old days.” Instead, they discuss “The War on Christmas.”

Pundits like Bill O’Reilly insist that phrases like “Happy Holidays” and calling Christmas trees “holiday trees” are the left’s covert assaults on a longstanding Christian tradition. I don’t really know what he fears the end result of this so-called war will be, but I imagine his deluded nightmares involve future celebrants goose-stepping to Winter Wonderland in a shopping mall as they purchase Holiday gifts; or something equally frightening. I say this because it’s the only fear I can imagine that would prompt so much attention to be paid to a non-existent war.

In the interest of putting a stupid controversy to rest, I will now indulge in a somewhat rambling history lesson. First and foremost, December 25 was not the day Jesus was born! This was a pre-existing pagan holiday celebrated by the Romans to commemorate the changing of seasons, particularly Winter Solstice. It was adopted as Christmas as a sort of PR move by the early Christian Church. I was taught this in Catholic school, during several different religious courses throughout my eleven years of Catholic education and indoctrination.

The Roman festival was called Saturnalia. The name comes from the Roman god Saturn, who was said to rule over agriculture. He was the honoree of this festival, as the Romans gave thanks for harvesting the fall crops. The feast typically lasted seven days, was considered the greatest festival of the year, and involved feasting, gift-giving, dancing, home decorating, and relaxing, among other things. I’m sure there were Romans at the time who bemoaned the “Christian War on Saturnalia,” but they’re all dead now. I don’t know if they ever considered naming the holiday Jesusalia, but I do know that would be a lot harder to abbreviate, i.e. X-alia.

Speaking of which, I’ve heard a lot of people complain over the years about the use of “X-mas” to abbreviate the word “Christmas.” While I haven’t heard this complaint in regard to the current War on Christmas, I thought I should address this one as well. Writing “X-mas” is not in fact, taking the “Christ” out of “Christmas,” as many believe. I can understand why this would offend certain people, but their offense is actually ill-informed. The X was a symbol for Christ in the early Church and is still used today; in much the same way that the Pisces fish was an early Christian symbol and can still be seen today, like in that Seinfeld episode where Elaine steals her boyfriend’s “Jesus fish.”

Other traditions, like Christmas trees, also have their roots in earlier pagan religions. While there is some debate as to the earliest origins of Christmas trees, it is known that the Druids saw evergreen trees as symbols of everlasting life because they seemed to live through winter undaunted by the cold. The Romans also cut down evergreens and decorated them for Saturnalia. Mistletoe was a Druid symbol for virility, St. Nick is thought to be the result of a patchwork of mythical gods, like the Greek god Poseidon and the Teutonic Hold Nikar (there is a broad scholarly consensus that St. Nick may never have existed as a person, and instead is an example of Christianized pagan gods), the list goes on and on of Christmas traditions that were actually co-opted pagan traditions.

I mention this to stress the point that Christmas could then be viewed as a conglomeration of various holy days and their traditions. Therefore, saying “Happy Holidays” could be viewed as paying respect to those preceding traditions. Additionally, there is the fact that several other holidays are celebrated around the time of Christmas. Jesus, who was Jewish, would have appreciated being told “Happy Hanukkah!” around this time of year. He probably would have been puzzled by people wishing him a happy birthday several months after his likely actual birthday.

Furthermore, the assertion that secular leftists are somehow Seussian Grinches who hate Christmas and everything about it does not stand up to the facts. Traditionally, the first people to ban celebrating Christmas were Puritan Christians who left England to form the colonies. Assaults on Christmas have usually come from right-wing religious peoples. The protections of free worship for all have seen some of their greatest defenders come from the left.

Since the American celebration of Christmas is marked largely by adulation of capitalism rather than following Jesus’s sage advice anyway (Blessed are the poor and the meek, etc.), I don’t see why Bill O’Reilly and his ilk are complaining about saying “Happy Holidays.” If they don’t want to be inclusive, they can say “Merry Christmas” to everyone they encounter regardless of the person’s religion. If they find the phrase “Happy Holidays” too bland, I suggest an alternative I have been using for several years: “Happy Hannukwanzmas!” This, in the Christmas tradition, incorporates several holidays into one greeting. It includes Hanukkah, Kwanza, and Christmas. In years during which Ramadan also falls near Christmas, I suggest “Happy Ramahanukwanzmas!” I find these alternatives (which again, I devised years ago... ask my friends and family) to be less cumbersome than the one suggested by the Virgin Mobile commercials.

I hope this has been helpful in putting the War on Christmas to rest, so the media can get back to paying attention to the real wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, where our soldiers and others are sacrificing their lives. Additionally, there is the War on Civil Liberties in Congress over renewal of the Patriot Act, the growing ranks of impoverished Americans, McCain’s successful War on Torture, the millions of Americans who lack essential health coverage, and many other issues which merit media coverage more than this non-controversy. In the mean time, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanza, or Happy Hannukwanzmas and a jolly New Year!

Merry F***in Christmas

2005-12-14T07:07:00.000-05:00

Romance novel

2005-12-12T18:13:00.000-05:00

More Time Wasting

2005-12-08T02:26:00.000-05:00

Happy 25th Anniversary Mom and Dad!

2005-12-08T01:38:00.000-05:00

The whole time I was making this I kept imagining my Mom saying, "What's with all the myrrh?!" and my Dad saying, "Oh, three Wise Guys! Nyuk Nyuk!" Also, I briefly wondered if I'm going to hell for this.

Conceit

2005-12-08T01:35:00.000-05:00

Kevin E. Cleary
10:47 PM December 5, 2005 C.E.

Awaiting judgement of my work of fiction,
and to soothe baited breath
I succumb to nicotine addiction;
Each smoke five minutes’ death.

The weeks tick by like eons,
I see fault lines in every sentence.
My warm hope has filled with freon,
Certain rejection has met acquiescence.

I buy a nice frame for my first denial
which gathers dust in its plastic wrap.
Yet my patience gets no speedy trial,
the judges seem to be taking a nap.

But they’re The New Yorker, I say
to myself. Their rejection letter
is worth the wait. In fact, it may
tell me how my work could be better.

Surely I show promise or potential,
or verbal cleverness at the very least.
To their suggestions, I’ll be deferential
Their words will be manna on which I’ll feast.

I’m sure my work is juvenile,
but I wrote from my heart.
Some lines had to make them smile
and it had a promising start.

Marlboro miles tick by my odometer,
I feel a wrongfully ignored suitor;
When finally appears on my monitor
an e-epistle from my hopeful tutors.

“We regret that we are unable
to use the enclosed material...”
4 months for 2 sentences from this literary chaebol*1 (look it up, bitches*2)
I’ve been spurned like I’m venereal.

“...Thank you for giving us
the opportunity to consider it.”
Why did I wait so long for this bullshit?
Fuck The New Yorker.

*1 chaebol: a Korean word which literally translated means "money clan." They are characterized by their extremely authoritarian management style. I only know what it means because of an online rhyming dictionary.

*2 bitches: the staff of The New Yorker who made me wait almost four months for a 2 sentence rejection email... most definitely not anyone who is reading this, especially online.

A Knight's Tale

2005-11-21T22:31:00.000-05:00

MY LOUSY ATTEMPT AT WRITING HIP HOP
(more like a modern blues song than anything)
Kevin E. Cleary
12:22PM EST
August 3, 2005 C.E.

My love for you is extinct
like the dinosaurs
Nothing will revive it
So, you stay on Venus and I'll stay on Mars.

So tired of being your listening ear
Shoulder to cry on
Your love put me in arrears
So quit all your spyin'

on me when I'm with my friends
4AM bitchfests on my cell phone
Our romantic comedy already said "The End."
You ate all my popcorn, the credits rolled.

Church bells ain't ringin' for our wedding
I'm not your knight in shining armor
I smashed all your fancy place settings
Seeds of love won't be sown by this farmer.

I won't be there to plow your barren fields,
Can't reassure your unending doubt
Find another ticket for your 8 course meals
Don't let the cardoor hit you on the way out.

2005-11-14T21:33:00.000-05:00

Alien with Pearl Earring

Lights Out

2005-11-07T23:18:00.000-05:00

Kevin E. Cleary
11:38 AM EST
August 3, 2005

Lights out for the city on the lake
There's only so much more we can take.

Lack of leadership and crippling corruption
Abandoned storefronts, no decent jobs
Half-assed orange barrel construction
Where are the angry mobs?

One daily paper with a kindergarten readership
glossing over unpleasant realities
and Tabloid News has strip-
mined our brains for carnality.

We're made to fear and blame the poor
as the Corrupt in power steal our last dime
But the money's running dry, lights out, no more
the bamboozled victims may yet draw a line

Tired of being Morlocks toiling
in our broken machines
The cogs won't be silenced by oiling,
We've got to make to make a scene.

2005-11-05T04:57:00.000-05:00

I always wondered what I'd look like in a toga...

2005-11-05T04:53:00.000-05:00

The Connoisseur

2005-11-02T01:34:00.000-05:00

Bush Unveils Filibuster Buster 3000 at a joint session of Congress. November 18, 2005.

2005-10-31T01:57:00.000-05:00

2005-10-31T01:54:00.000-05:00

2005-10-31T01:52:00.000-05:00

I like this one a lot. Ethereal love

2005-10-31T01:50:00.000-05:00

I could have cured cancer this weekend with the man-hours I wasted playing with Photoshop

2005-10-31T01:49:00.001-05:00

Then I messed with it some more...

2005-10-31T01:49:00.000-05:00

My first intentionally abstract piece

2005-10-31T01:47:00.000-05:00

The first in a series of pictures I made this weekend instead of studying like I should have done.

2005-10-18T03:14:00.000-04:00

We come in peace

2005-10-17T21:12:00.000-04:00

2005-10-17T21:10:00.000-04:00

New Rehab Law Faces Challenges

2005-10-16T20:13:00.000-04:00

CLEVELAND, OH- The ACLU of Ohio filed a lawsuit Friday challenging the recently passed Ohio law HR 666, better known as the Rehabilitation Incentive Benefits Act. The act was added as an amendment to Ohio’s latest spending bill which exempts all Ohioans earning more than $1 million a year from paying state income taxes as long as the income was earned from stock dividends. The bill passed unanimously in the Ohio House and was signed by the governor Wednesday.

The Rehabilitation Incentive Benefits Act (RIBA) has drawn strong criticism from social justice advocates who object to this radical new approach to solving Ohio’s chemical dependency crisis. According to Anthony Gellar, spokesperson for the ACLU, “This law is a mockery of the very word “rehabilitation.” In effect, the law will take advantage of those who are most in need of help and work them to death while forcing them to remain chemically dependent on a lethal drug.”

RIBA mandates that all convicted drug offenders in Ohio must undergo court-ordered rehabilitation administered by the Department of Corrections. All offenders are to be rehabilitated through the use of “replacement incentives.” In much the same way that methadon clinics treat heroin withdrawal by distributing methadon to addicts, RIBA mandates than any Ohioan convicted of a drug-related offense must be given crystal meth as his or her treatment. Inmates are to then be contracted out by the prison system and must work a minimum of thirty-two hours a week, for which they will be paid $0.32 an hour, though earning at least $8.50 an hour. The rest of the money goes toward the operating budget for the state’s prisons, and 10% of that amount will pay for the administering of the RIBA program.

“Crystal meth makes addicts much more productive than drugs such as marijuana or even cocaine,” said Officer Jake Warren of the Department of Corrections. “Meth addicts also have a much shorter life span than most other addicts. For years we were fighting the War on Drugs by trying to bust dealers and curb demand. The brilliance of this new law is that we’re using the drugs themselves as a weapon. Not only will these criminals be much more productive and benefit the state economically, but they will save us money by dying faster and thereby draining fewer resources that we can dedicate to other enforcement areas.”

Cleveland Law Director Rick Worebath added, “This will also help solve our panhandling problem in downtown Cleveland. Anyone arrested for violations of our Aggressive Solicitation Law will be given a drug assessment, and if we find they test positive for drugs or alcohol, we will enroll them in a RIBA program. We will also rehabilitate repeat offenders of the Aggressive Solicitation law regardless of whether or not they are chemically dependent. This means that our citizens may soon be able to shop and be entertained downtown without having to be reminded that poverty exists.”

According to Gellar, “It’s unconstitutional at best, and horrifyingly fascist. This law sets up a ridiculous double standard. We have Federal agents arresting cancer patients in other states who are given medical marijuana, but the Bush administration is curiously silent about this initiative. Where are the DEA agents storming prisons and rehab clinics?”
Sources inside the DEA say that while the administering of crystal meth is illegal, they have their hands full in areas such as California where they are fighting marijuana trafficking. A high level officer who wished to remain anonymous said, “Look, it’s obvious that certain drugs are more harmful to society than others. Marijuana leads to harder drugs and a freethinking hippie lifestyle. Crystal meth leads to houses and prisons getting built faster and less taxpayer money spent on coddling criminals. If we get a call to bust one of these places, I might just let it go to voicemail.”

There is currently a similar bill in the U.S. Senate, though it is being held up in committee. According to AP wire reports, committee members are split over an amendment added to the bill which would grant a five year no-bid contract to Eli Lilly to manufacture the crystal meth. Fiscal conservatives on the committee want to reduce the contract to a two-year term to reduce the up-front cost of the law.

This article is intended to be humorous. Any similarity between this and actual persons is because I am making fun of them.

2005-10-01T20:49:00.000-04:00

I know this one is cheap, but I still think it's funny.

2005-10-01T17:20:00.000-04:00

Eerie

2005-10-01T17:15:00.000-04:00

I think this is one of the creepiest pictures I've made

2005-09-30T23:50:00.001-04:00

Here's me trying to be artsy again.

2005-09-30T23:50:00.000-04:00

I think this picture pretty much sums up my parents' marriage.

2005-09-30T23:47:00.000-04:00

Salvador's about to destroy Cleveland! We can't let him reproduce!

2005-09-30T23:42:00.000-04:00

Vote Greg Reaves for America in 2008.

2005-09-30T23:39:00.000-04:00

A bit sloppy, but I still like it.

2005-09-30T23:38:00.000-04:00

Mmmm. Sacrelicious!

2005-09-30T23:36:00.000-04:00

Now I'm starting to get pretentious and pretend that I'm an artist.

2005-09-30T23:35:00.000-04:00

I made this the day before Brownie "resigned."

2005-09-30T23:32:00.000-04:00

My first experiment irritated my father so much I had to make an entire gay wedding photo album. If anyone is interested, I'd be happy to post the rest.

2005-09-30T23:30:00.000-04:00

One of my earliest Photoshop experiments. That's Tom Cruise in the background, if you're wondering.

Bounce

2005-09-13T22:05:00.000-04:00

Kevin E. Cleary
1:30AM EST
Friday, September 9, 2005

The politics of dance
Motion a Gaussian blur
Strobe lightning
Flashbulb moments
Only awkward from the sidelines.

Intoxication fuels a grinding rhythm
as inhibitions, cleavage, and clothing
disappear and reappear
to the artificial beat
of a synthetic drummer.

Katrina's Wrath

2005-09-06T13:57:00.000-04:00

by Kevin E. Cleary
3:45AM EST
Saturday, September 3, 2005 C.E
A Series of Haikus

Nature can be a
real bitch sometimes, but so can
raw humanity.

The media was
there before the government
The cops ran away.

Untold hundreds dead
Incompetent corruption
perpetuates hell.

Poverty crushing
more lives than the hurricane
Geraldo crying.

Lethal racism
"Looters" versus "survivors"
"Haves" versus "have-nots"

Stolen guns fueling
angry rooftop riots, it's
almost war down there.

Recriminations
can't help these people
but Bush can't either.

Moot Court

2005-09-02T22:21:00.000-04:00

by Kevin E. Cleary
10:30 P.M. EST
July 26, 2002 C.E.

I've got the declared-an-enemy-of-the-state-blues
talked about killing the President when I had too much booze
Better call Johnny Cochrane in a hurry
the President's gonna take away my right to trial by jury.

My wives all left me last week, said I was a real jerk.
My women just didn't understand the cost of 50 new burkhas.
And now the warden stays forty paces back.
They said I left at the White House an unattended sack.

He would have had it coming, though I did nothing
Until 9/11 my 7-11 was bustling
Raided by the Feds because I speak Arabic
They burned my Koran just for kicks

The Neighborhood Watch reported me for backed rent
Last month my daughter asked me what "sand nigger" meant
I have never called for the death of Zion
Passed every polygraph, they said I was lying.

Today they took the laces out of my shoes
I've got the declared-an-enemy-of-the-state blues.

Rhymes with

2005-09-02T22:17:00.000-04:00

by Kevin E. Cleary
January 2001

Spherical fruit
unlike people
its color is what it is.
It sits there
its peel an impenetrable fortress
because I have bitten off my fingernails.

Antipodes

2005-09-02T22:10:00.000-04:00

by Kevin E. Cleary
12:55AM EST
December 20, 2001

I see all the warps in the mirror
My reflection has yet to come in clearer
Distort mentally the things that I said
Distort my image of what's in my head
Convert me from my philosophy
deny embedded mythology
Gotta get me better reflective glass
to see a nicer Antipodes
The Heaven to my Hell
inside this mental prison cell
of my ambitions,
my spiritual malnutrition,
and my low self-esteem.
Help me to redeem
myself, to see beyond
the surface and wave back
at my doppleganger.
He's smiling at my misfortune
and I'm covetously frowning at his good tidings.
So I give him the finger
and walk away from the mirror.

Pepe le Peu

2005-09-02T21:54:00.000-04:00

by Kevin E. Cleary
11:00P.M. EST
Friday, November 23, 2001 C.E.
Dedicated to Chuck Jones, Super Genius

I suck at flirting
Can't summon the words
The silence leaves me hurting
and feeling rather absurd.

Would that I could speak
to her from my heart.
Tragic, it won't occur
as I endure a brain fart.

What could I say
that wouldn't waste her time?
Something funny like how about those little
yellow daisies who fight crime?

No, that's too weird, she'll see
through my ruse.
What can I say that won't
make her snooze?

I just don't want to be
Pepe Le Peu, pursuing while
she's squirming away.

Her interest isn't real;
her white stripe the result
of some strange ordeal
And my stench is too much to bear,
should have been able to tell
by her upraised hair.
But I was too infatuated with her
Tragic, to me it didn't occur
that she's a cat and I'm a skunk.

2005-08-28T12:30:00.000-04:00

Self-portrait on digital canvas.

Ode to a Man I Never Met

2005-06-14T12:15:00.000-04:00

For Daniel Thompson

". . . when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated. . ." - John Donne, Meditation 17

by Kevin E. Cleary

I feel like a fraud
as I sit with pen in hand
or mouse and keyboard,
alternately.

Wielding these things
has made me feel this way
before, but not like this.

For a man I never met
stands over my shoulder,
or behind me and in-front,
alternately.

You're mixing metaphors,
he chides, and you stole
that from Simon and Garfunkel.

No, I insist, I'm making reference
to John Donne's Meditation 17,
like Paul Simon did
in "I am a Rock."

Yes, he says, but I know
you only ever read Donne
because of Simon.

He gives me this confident smile,
like my Grandma when she's trying
to annoy me, but is acting oblivious.

He has that same child-like and Confucian
wisdom about him, that perfect
mixture of simultaneous calm and passion.

You can go with the Santa comparison,
he tells me, I don't mind. That same
irritating and amusing and calming smile.

Get thee behind me inner Daniel!
You're worse than my inner mother,
and besides I wasn't even trying
to write a poem.

I'm joking with his voice in my head
so I feel less crazy when I reason with others
True, he calmly nods before taking his leave.

As imaginary, ethereal inner Daniel departs,
he whispers two pieces of advice:

Rarely let your left brain know
what your right brain is thinking,

and great things can happen if
you keep your heart and imagination
on the same page.

Candlelight

2005-06-09T23:31:00.000-04:00

by Kevin E. Cleary
May 20, 2005 C.E.
7:50 PM EST
To my future wife:

Your eyes are candlelight
dinners on a breezy summer evening
fanning flames within my soul
that flicker, dance, and peak
even faster than my heartbeat
as you approach.

You’d think it would slow
like a fading metronome
with the passage of time
or that my love would hit
an apex sooner or later

But I find more and more
that Olympus Mons is no match
for the heights to which
I would climb
for one more glimpse of you.

No metaphor is too grand,
no superlative can ever suffice
to describe my joy

In fact, I’d even eat Soy-
Everything for the rest of my life
if I had to, just to be able
to stand with you
as man and wife
on a breezy summer evening
lost in your eyes.

Drowning in the Rising Tide

2005-06-09T23:21:00.000-04:00

by Kevin E. Cleary

Oil prices keep finding new excuses to surge,
And this rising tide is only lifting yachts.
We’ve run out of welfare rolls to purge
The poor have become like flies the wealthy like to swat.

We buzz around now, from one low-end job to the next.
Can’t save a penny while they nickel-and-dime us
We get wacked on food, screwed on taxes, no respect
We get shooed away from the table nearly every time.

They treat us like bastard children,
but tell us to act like adults.
Their crimes never bring a siren,
except the media’s playful insults.

Who speak softly of a middle-class squeeze,
But we’re all getting trapped like sardines
As CEOs tap-dance on the lid with glee
Their social climbing comes from liens

On our property, and foreclosures to boot
us from the social ladder. Standing on
the top rung, they trickle-down black soot.
CEOs, the pros of every con.

Where Have All The Rabbis Gone?

2005-06-07T08:52:00.000-04:00

by Kevin E. Cleary

I yearn to
walk through the world unsullied
by greed and corruption.

I want to stroll through the Temple
and throw the Moneychangers
out on their ears.

I strive to call the Pharisees on their bullshit
as they would so cavalierly take their Lord's life
in vain,
and focus solely on his death.

They'd rather be exalted martyrs
than live a second of his life.
Whitewashed blood stains
their moral castles built on sand.

A Jesus fish is their backstage pass
to the Kingdom of Heaven,
so why not scorch the Earth?

They'll gladly fry an innocent
on an electric crucifix.
Blessed are the rich,
for they shall make the poor repent.

Do unto others
before they do unto you.

There's no one to admire anymore
when one's religion is bought and sold
in a Bible store where everyone's illiterate.

The words of today's prophets
misspelled in spray paint
on abandoned factory walls
make me want to take down the "sistim."

But God has given me no flaming swords
with which to lead;
aside from my vitriolic words
which I just wish were ploughshares.
And the only miracle I've seen
is that I've survived so long without loaves and fishes.

June 30, 2004

2005-04-04T17:03:00.000-04:00

June 30, 2004

So many Dems freaking out about
Darth Nader's plans for the election
Dieboldt'll control the vote count
Kerry keeps stalling his V.P. selection

Meanwhile Bush's cronies have some big plans
More civil liberties and Muslims will fall victim
American shopping malls will dot foreign lands
But the terrorists'll never admit we've licked 'em.

Oh, I can't wait for more never-ending war,
vague warnings that terrify, aid, and abet consumption
Mr. Peabody, let's go way back to 1984,
And watch the Democrats lose all gumption.

We'll let the millionaires glad-hand us for votes and money
Demopublicans, Republicrats; it won't make a difference
We'll pick whoever makes our asses feel more sunny
But I still can't give in to the throes of ambivalence.

Brrrr

2005-01-29T18:20:00.000-05:00

Frostbitten toes in
Cheap and crappy Wal-Mart shoes.
God, I hate Cleveland.

Sitting in Kan Zaman

2005-01-29T18:12:00.000-05:00

An instrument I
cannot namebut my heart knows.
Transcending culture.

Phillip Morris

2005-01-23T04:37:00.000-05:00

Phillip Morris
Kevin E. Cleary

Discarded remnants
of moments of stress,
carcinogenic tenants
in a lonely ash can.

Minutes burned away
by nervous gestures.
Gaseous nicotine swayed
in the changing wind.

Such mixing of brands
and mingling of personalities,
the corpses lay in grainy sands
and scattered across the area.

And each had a filter pinched,
or grounded-up tip, reluctant
about the coffin toward which they inched.
With one last fiery kiss and a flick,
the smokers mourned the moment.

Love Suffocates

2005-01-15T23:45:00.000-05:00

Love suffocates
when you know you
don’t deserve it

But you still feel guilty
when you dodge
and desert it

Their hugs will smother you
Warm looks chill you
to the bone
Their cup of good cheer
and milk of mother
are hemlock, and their
compliments sting like hurled stones.

Running away seems like good service
Love suffocates
when you know
you don’t deserve it.

They don’t seem to understand
you only look like a man
they once knew.
Demons speak through you like a ventriloquist.
A fallen angel’s hand suffices for a spine
while you turn away from invited bliss
because you are indebted with a spiritual fine.

Taxing you night and day, well,
you’ll never get out of debt.
And so, your soul you sell,
to subsist in eternal regret.
The demons won’t let you reach out
and take extended hands
You delude yourself into thinking
that no one understands.

Love suffocates
when you know
you don’t deserve it
A true cliche’ love can’t be destroyed
And you still feel guilty
when you dodge
and desert it.
But guilt and self-loathing won’t
ever fill the void.

Cassandra

2005-01-15T23:40:00.000-05:00

A Cassandra deemed Chicken Little
still deciding if I’m a messiah
or a pot identifying a kettle
Whose downfall am I foreseeing
while I transform into a pariah?
No longer a paragon of virtue
yet still a prophet
I saw the Temple laid to waste
and the Gestapo instill a curfew
I just couldn’t stop it.
I heard the war drums before
the drummer was even born
and yet I’m still ignored.
I see no roses, only thorns
as my curse and alleged gift.
I try to hand the gardener a glove
only to be nonchalantly spurned.
Watched bankruptcy mutate from thrift,
and investors jump from high above.
As I walk amongst the living,
I can onlysee their deaths.
Hand in handto tearful, cold and bawling.
Unheeded precognition leaves me lonely;
no one ever seems to understand
To me, the sky is always falling.

Wound Up

2005-01-15T22:17:00.000-05:00

Wound Up
Kevin E. Cleary
March 12, 2002 C.E. 6:05 PM EST

Let me out
The jack silently screamed from inside the box
You wound me up halfway and didn’t complete the melody
I’m sprung so tight I’m ready to snap
and you just walked away
It’s dark in here, and lonely
I just want to come out and play
Your other toys have come and gone
Yet here I still remain
Shelved and imprisoned
It’s no wonder I’m insane
Coiled potential energy pushing me against the ceiling
You must think I’ve got no feelings
to treat a jack this way.
Dust creeps in through cracks in my strained lid
I’m all gussied up with a painted-on smile,
like some drunk rodeo clown’s id
I cough and shift and
still the melody goes no further
If only I could fall off the shelf
End this suspended animation in my quadratic coffin
We’d both be surprised
and my arms would bounce
open for embrace
But then, I surmise,
you’d probably just grab my face
and cram me back in.

Rx

2005-01-15T00:18:00.000-05:00

Rx
Kevin E. Cleary

Every time I
watch the news now
I think of the protagonist
from Fahrenheit 451
and that part when
his boss tells him
the public gets spoon-fed
crosswords and statistics
by the television
to feel informed and intelligent.

It always strikes me
as odd when I fall
into a CNN coma
That it’s easier to remember
to ask my doctor
about prescription WellbutrinTM
than to recall the name
of the leader of that country where
there’s that genocide worse
than the 1980 eruption of Mount St. Helen’s
and the name of that dude
who may or may not
have killed the Kennedys
and the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr
or how many people died today in Iraq
versus how many people died
in Vietnam before the 1968 Tet Offensive
which trial studies in California have shown
to cause cancer in lab rats.

But I’m not allowed to forget
what happened on 9-11,
and don’t you know
it’s unpatriotic
to want a second opinion?

Fortunately, there’s prescription RitalinTM
so I can get back
to focusing on the freedom
the terrorists hate us for.
If only I could afford health insurance.